It has now been about two months since we received our test results.
In these two months I had a two-week long business trip which brought me to visit a close friend of mine who has struggled with unexplained infertility for years now too. She recently did her first cycle of IVF - which sadly failed. She is the person I needed most to talk to because I know she's been down the road I've embarked on. She is about to try cycle 2 of IVF.
Once the trip was over I was given more time to think about the 'options' we've been presented with. My husband and I have not really talked about it much until last week. Hubby is not a very talkative guy so I gave him these two months to think on his own before bringing up the discussion of where to 'go' next.
I went back for my TSH level results last week and met with the RE again. Hubby was not with me for this appointment. At first a 'new' RE met with me -- I could tell she was 'new'. Very young - probably fresh in the RE business. But she was approachable (more than I can say for my actual RE) and I liked her. She informed me that my TSH levels dropped from 2.58 to 1.66 which is perfect.
I had thought of some questions over the last 6 weeks and I asked them to her.
"How do they know there is nothing wrong with my eggs?" They don't look at eggs unless IVF is opted for at which point they see them when they are harvested.
Oh.
"Why is there no option to try Clomid or injectable fertility drugs without having to opt for IUI or IVF?" Because those drugs assist with ovulation and there does not seem to be any problem with my ovulation.
Oh.
And then she left the room and told me to wait for my regular RE to come and speak with me. I waited for over 20 minutes (grrr) and in those 20minutes I read an infertility magazine that was sitting on the table.
Those 20 minutes reading the magazine were some of the most emotional feelings I have had to date. I caught myself a couple of times on the verge of a downright meltdown. I ready stories of success. I read stories of adoption. I ready health stories. I ready how to cope with the holidays.
And I read one story called childfree by chance or something like that. The story of a couple who spent 10 years on the bumpy road of trying to have a baby. And most importantly about their decisions to stop trying. Their decision to move on and live their life childfree by chance - not by choice. It took everything I had to hold back my tears as the realization that this process - not matter what options I go for now and in the future may NEVER result in a baby. I could feel the tears welling and my face go all red and hot. What if I would have to someday decide to move on. And that is the moral of their story -- they moved on with life. They do not call it giving up - they call it moving on to the next stage.
It hit me that no matter how much time and effort. How much emotion and love I put into this. How much money I put into this. I might never be a Mom. Success is not guaranteed in this game. It might never be in the cards for me.
I was very hurt when I got home that night that my husband didn't ask about the appointment. And the next night when he still didn't ask - I brought it up.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Options
So - unexplained infertilify. What does that mean now? I ask.
RE tells us that we can either keep doing what we are doing or we can try a fertility treatment. He tells us that we are good candidates to try IUI or IVF.
So - he tells us we can keep trying at home or we can pay him to help us have a baby.
That sounded harsh I suppose. But it seemed like such a harsh moment. It was like saying you can either keep hoping, praying, trying for a miracle but the chances go down every year as I approach 35. Or. You can pay me thousands of dollars for a slightly higher chance of conceiving. Nothing in between? Wow. That's tough to swallow.
He suggests that while my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels are normal - ideally the could be lower from a conception standpoint so he prescribes levothyroxine to me. He asks I come back in 4 weeks for another blood test to see if it lowers the TSH level and then come back in 6 weeks to review the results.
He suggests we think about IUI or IVF. He explains the risks associated with both. i.e. multiples.
And we leave his office with much on our minds.
RE tells us that we can either keep doing what we are doing or we can try a fertility treatment. He tells us that we are good candidates to try IUI or IVF.
So - he tells us we can keep trying at home or we can pay him to help us have a baby.
That sounded harsh I suppose. But it seemed like such a harsh moment. It was like saying you can either keep hoping, praying, trying for a miracle but the chances go down every year as I approach 35. Or. You can pay me thousands of dollars for a slightly higher chance of conceiving. Nothing in between? Wow. That's tough to swallow.
He suggests that while my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels are normal - ideally the could be lower from a conception standpoint so he prescribes levothyroxine to me. He asks I come back in 4 weeks for another blood test to see if it lowers the TSH level and then come back in 6 weeks to review the results.
He suggests we think about IUI or IVF. He explains the risks associated with both. i.e. multiples.
And we leave his office with much on our minds.
Results!
Our results appointment was scheduled for October 13 the day after Thanksgiving.
We had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend but I know my thoughts were constantly on the appointment and what they would have to tell us.
We arrived 10min early but still had to wait about 20min or more before the RE joined us. Then he proceeded to review our file (could he not have done that before rather than waiting until we were in the room?)! I was thankful we did not have to pay his fees out of pocket to watch him read our file.
He then went over the results. Hubby's contribution looked normal -- an extremely small morphology issue but nothing that would cause male factor infertility. My hormone levels were all normal, my tubes are not blocked on either side. They have every reason to believe I am ovulating since my cycles are normal (27-30 days).
This means what I feared.
This meant 'unexplained infertility'.
This meant there was nothing wrong.
Except for the fact that we don't have a child.
We had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend but I know my thoughts were constantly on the appointment and what they would have to tell us.
We arrived 10min early but still had to wait about 20min or more before the RE joined us. Then he proceeded to review our file (could he not have done that before rather than waiting until we were in the room?)! I was thankful we did not have to pay his fees out of pocket to watch him read our file.
He then went over the results. Hubby's contribution looked normal -- an extremely small morphology issue but nothing that would cause male factor infertility. My hormone levels were all normal, my tubes are not blocked on either side. They have every reason to believe I am ovulating since my cycles are normal (27-30 days).
This means what I feared.
This meant 'unexplained infertility'.
This meant there was nothing wrong.
Except for the fact that we don't have a child.
Ultrasounds #1 and 2
Ultrasound number one was pretty easy - except for having to have a full bladder. I was told to drink 1L of water finishing the litre an hour before the appointment. I more or less chugged about 1.5L in about a 45minute period. Oops.
By the time I arrived for my appointment about 45minutes after finishing the water bottle, I swear I thought I was going to pee my pants. It hurt. I have never had to pee that badly in my life. My husband told me NOT to go and let a little out because he said I wouldn't be able to stop the flow --but what do boys know about female peeing abilities? When I arrived I asked the receptionist how long a wait I would have because I REALLY had to go. She said to go ahead and let a little out (in the toilet of course!) - so mercifully I did. It was like the best pee ever!
The technician doing the ultrasounds was amazing -- she was very good at her job which was apparent in that she considered making me feel comfortable and keeping my mind off of what she was doing as PART of her job. She took some images with the full bladder and then once again (mercifully) let me go to the bathroom to empty (heaven once again!). Then she took some more images with the empty bladder.
Ultrasound #2 was not as much fun but not terrible. This one required an empty bladder (thank God!) but required a catheter be stuck through my cervix and then fluid pumped in to see if my tubes are open. Fun. - insert sarcasm here -.
I'm not going to complain because if this is what it takes to stop the pain in my heart then it will be worth it.
By the time I arrived for my appointment about 45minutes after finishing the water bottle, I swear I thought I was going to pee my pants. It hurt. I have never had to pee that badly in my life. My husband told me NOT to go and let a little out because he said I wouldn't be able to stop the flow --but what do boys know about female peeing abilities? When I arrived I asked the receptionist how long a wait I would have because I REALLY had to go. She said to go ahead and let a little out (in the toilet of course!) - so mercifully I did. It was like the best pee ever!
The technician doing the ultrasounds was amazing -- she was very good at her job which was apparent in that she considered making me feel comfortable and keeping my mind off of what she was doing as PART of her job. She took some images with the full bladder and then once again (mercifully) let me go to the bathroom to empty (heaven once again!). Then she took some more images with the empty bladder.
Ultrasound #2 was not as much fun but not terrible. This one required an empty bladder (thank God!) but required a catheter be stuck through my cervix and then fluid pumped in to see if my tubes are open. Fun. - insert sarcasm here -.
I'm not going to complain because if this is what it takes to stop the pain in my heart then it will be worth it.
Day 1
I have to travel occasionally for my job so with our appointment being at the beginning of September and my next CD1 (Cycle Day 1) not coming until the end of September I knew I would have to do one of the tests 'out of order'.
One of the blood tests is to occur on day 21-23 of your cycle and if I waited until my next cycle that would be during a two week long business trip to another Province. So I asked the nurse if I could come in before any of the other tests and before my next day 1. She said sure as long as I was positive as to when my last 'day 1' was.
On my next 'day 1' - which came on a Sunday so I couldn't call - I called on day 2 to set up the rest of my tests. I was scheduled for a blood test and baseline ultrasound on September 29 and a second ultrasound (hysterosonogram) on October 5.
It's kind of funny when you start thinking about the months in the year in terms of days. But this has been my life for two years now. Day 1 being the first day of your period - is a day I hope doesn't come in the most important way. But if it does it is the beginning of what I hope turns into week 1 of a 40 week miracle.
I also think it's funny that I am now writing about things that are usually reserved for people in my closest inner circle. Who writes about their menstrual cycle as if it were casual conversation?
One of the blood tests is to occur on day 21-23 of your cycle and if I waited until my next cycle that would be during a two week long business trip to another Province. So I asked the nurse if I could come in before any of the other tests and before my next day 1. She said sure as long as I was positive as to when my last 'day 1' was.
On my next 'day 1' - which came on a Sunday so I couldn't call - I called on day 2 to set up the rest of my tests. I was scheduled for a blood test and baseline ultrasound on September 29 and a second ultrasound (hysterosonogram) on October 5.
It's kind of funny when you start thinking about the months in the year in terms of days. But this has been my life for two years now. Day 1 being the first day of your period - is a day I hope doesn't come in the most important way. But if it does it is the beginning of what I hope turns into week 1 of a 40 week miracle.
I also think it's funny that I am now writing about things that are usually reserved for people in my closest inner circle. Who writes about their menstrual cycle as if it were casual conversation?
Fertility Centre visit #1
I spent the three months leading up to this appointment charting and peeing on a stick (POAS) again -- so that I would not delay the process any more than required -- I would be prepared with current data!
The morning of our appointment my husband and I anxiously waited in the waiting room to meet our RE (reproductive endocrinologist). This was it -- this was going to start the process of testing, etc. to give us the answers we needed! Only I knew - once again that this might not be the case. My close friend who was after several years still TTC had what was called 'unexplained infertility'.
Unexplained infertility accounts for about 50% of couples with a female partner under the age of 35 and about 80% by age 40. This is the 'doctor's can't figure out' group. This is what I think I fear more than finding out there is something wrong.
A couple is considered infertile if (in our case) the couple has not conceived after 12 months of contraceptive free intercourse if the female is under the age of 34. It's been over 24 months at this point.
We were escorted into the RE's office and waiting for him to join us. He was a small man with thick coke bottle glasses (which was making me anxious for the stirrup exam!). He is very blunt, to the point. No intonation to his voice making him difficult sometimes to understand when there is no rise or fall to his words. Extremely difficult for someone like me who uses humour and sarcasm at all times. He asked us lots of questions about our medical histories, etc. He studied my BBT and OPK charts (woo hoo!) and then said he would examine us both and then make the recommendations for further testing.
Further testing consists of a more thorough test for my husband's 'contribution'. He had already done this earlier in the summer (again trying to speed up the process) but apparently the test done at the 'regular' lab that is covered by OHIP is not as thorough as the $200 (not covered) test that the fertility centre conducts.
Further testing consists of a series of blood tests for hormone levels by me and two ultrasounds. I was to call on Day 1 of my next cycle.
Overall the appointment went as I expected - to get the process started.
The morning of our appointment my husband and I anxiously waited in the waiting room to meet our RE (reproductive endocrinologist). This was it -- this was going to start the process of testing, etc. to give us the answers we needed! Only I knew - once again that this might not be the case. My close friend who was after several years still TTC had what was called 'unexplained infertility'.
Unexplained infertility accounts for about 50% of couples with a female partner under the age of 35 and about 80% by age 40. This is the 'doctor's can't figure out' group. This is what I think I fear more than finding out there is something wrong.
A couple is considered infertile if (in our case) the couple has not conceived after 12 months of contraceptive free intercourse if the female is under the age of 34. It's been over 24 months at this point.
We were escorted into the RE's office and waiting for him to join us. He was a small man with thick coke bottle glasses (which was making me anxious for the stirrup exam!). He is very blunt, to the point. No intonation to his voice making him difficult sometimes to understand when there is no rise or fall to his words. Extremely difficult for someone like me who uses humour and sarcasm at all times. He asked us lots of questions about our medical histories, etc. He studied my BBT and OPK charts (woo hoo!) and then said he would examine us both and then make the recommendations for further testing.
Further testing consists of a more thorough test for my husband's 'contribution'. He had already done this earlier in the summer (again trying to speed up the process) but apparently the test done at the 'regular' lab that is covered by OHIP is not as thorough as the $200 (not covered) test that the fertility centre conducts.
Further testing consists of a series of blood tests for hormone levels by me and two ultrasounds. I was to call on Day 1 of my next cycle.
Overall the appointment went as I expected - to get the process started.
Time to find out what the hell is going on
In the summer of 08 I spent three months taking my BBT (basal body temperature) every morning and peeing on an OPK (ovulation prediction kit). When this still resulted in no baby I gave up on the charting and ocassionally continued to use the OPK.
A year later in the summer of 09 on my yearly visit to my family doctor I told him again that it had now been about two years and still no pregnancy. He said it was probably time to go for further testing to see whether there were any underlying causes to our inability to conceive. He referred us to the Fertility Centre and our appointment was set for the beginning of September 2009.
A year later in the summer of 09 on my yearly visit to my family doctor I told him again that it had now been about two years and still no pregnancy. He said it was probably time to go for further testing to see whether there were any underlying causes to our inability to conceive. He referred us to the Fertility Centre and our appointment was set for the beginning of September 2009.
What now?
As the months went on I shrugged off the feelings of stress and panic. I had a pretty busy job which was stressful enough -- I didn't need to add any worry. We started to get the inevitable questions from friends and family.
"So, are you planning on having kids"
"I hope you don't wait as long to have kids as you did to get married!"
Or my favorite -- my 80-year-old grandmother basically saying that she's holding off on dying just so she can have a great-grandchild.
I was good at being blasé about it all -- because I wasn't panic stricken about it yet. Was I getting annoyed? Yes. It shocked me how personal a question or statements these were yet they are said just as you would ask someone 'how are you?'
By Christmas 2008 I was getting really down about it all. My grandfather got drunk on Christmas day and called me a disappointment because I had not produced any great-grandchildren yet and that is the first time I cried through all of this. I tried to hide the tears and the pain that those words carried and tried to listen to my sister and cousin tell me to ignore him because he was so drunk.
Deep down those words echoed how I was feeling about myself. That was what hurt the most. I was starting to feel like I was a disappointment - to myself and my husband. What was wrong with me? Why had nearly 18 months gone by with not even once thinking to myself that I might be pregnant?
What now?
"So, are you planning on having kids"
"I hope you don't wait as long to have kids as you did to get married!"
Or my favorite -- my 80-year-old grandmother basically saying that she's holding off on dying just so she can have a great-grandchild.
I was good at being blasé about it all -- because I wasn't panic stricken about it yet. Was I getting annoyed? Yes. It shocked me how personal a question or statements these were yet they are said just as you would ask someone 'how are you?'
By Christmas 2008 I was getting really down about it all. My grandfather got drunk on Christmas day and called me a disappointment because I had not produced any great-grandchildren yet and that is the first time I cried through all of this. I tried to hide the tears and the pain that those words carried and tried to listen to my sister and cousin tell me to ignore him because he was so drunk.
Deep down those words echoed how I was feeling about myself. That was what hurt the most. I was starting to feel like I was a disappointment - to myself and my husband. What was wrong with me? Why had nearly 18 months gone by with not even once thinking to myself that I might be pregnant?
What now?
Okay - nothing to panic about. Right?
We continued to 'try' through the summer and fall of 2007. Still nothing.
How foolish I was to think it would happen right away! I began to hear this little voice in my head telling me not to worry ~ but another part of me was saying ~ for whatever reason 'you always knew it wouldn't happen right away, didn't you?'. I suppose to some extent, I did.
One of those nagging little feelings that you push aside. I had no reason to think there would ever be a problem, yet somehow I always knew it wouldn't happen for me the way I wanted it to, or expected it to. I know I am not alone.
Statistics will tell you that 1 in 6 couples will experience trouble conceiving. 17%! I had known a few people struggling with infertility over the last 8 years. I watched as one of my closest friends struggled with it, cried over it and suffered with it. I even recalled her asking me once, how I would feel if it were me and I recall telling her - without missing a beat - I would be devastated.
Statistics will also show that on average it will take at least 1 year of TTC (trying to conceive) - okay, so since it has only been 5 months, there is nothing to panic about. Right?
How foolish I was to think it would happen right away! I began to hear this little voice in my head telling me not to worry ~ but another part of me was saying ~ for whatever reason 'you always knew it wouldn't happen right away, didn't you?'. I suppose to some extent, I did.
One of those nagging little feelings that you push aside. I had no reason to think there would ever be a problem, yet somehow I always knew it wouldn't happen for me the way I wanted it to, or expected it to. I know I am not alone.
Statistics will tell you that 1 in 6 couples will experience trouble conceiving. 17%! I had known a few people struggling with infertility over the last 8 years. I watched as one of my closest friends struggled with it, cried over it and suffered with it. I even recalled her asking me once, how I would feel if it were me and I recall telling her - without missing a beat - I would be devastated.
Statistics will also show that on average it will take at least 1 year of TTC (trying to conceive) - okay, so since it has only been 5 months, there is nothing to panic about. Right?
Life doesn't always happen the way you plan it
My husband and I have been together for 9 years next week. We waited 7 years before getting married. We kept waiting for the 'right' time ~ what we really meant was the 'perfect' time ~ finally I said the 'perfect' time might never happen and so in May of 2007 we said 'let's do it'! Ten weeks later we said 'I do' in a small sunset ceremony surrounded by family and friends on a scorching hot August night.
As a young girl, I always imagined growing up, going to school, meeting the man of my dreams, getting married and having children. That's how life is, isn't it? Doesn't it just happen that way?
We had spoken of having children in the years leading up to our marriage. It wasn't a question of IF we would have kids ~ it was just when? Just before our wedding we decided to start 'trying'. This, to us, meant that we would no longer make any efforts not to get pregnant. I had already gone off the pill 2 years (maybe 3?) prior so I thought - great! this will be easy!. Little did I know then that life doesn't always happen the way you plan it.
As a young girl, I always imagined growing up, going to school, meeting the man of my dreams, getting married and having children. That's how life is, isn't it? Doesn't it just happen that way?
We had spoken of having children in the years leading up to our marriage. It wasn't a question of IF we would have kids ~ it was just when? Just before our wedding we decided to start 'trying'. This, to us, meant that we would no longer make any efforts not to get pregnant. I had already gone off the pill 2 years (maybe 3?) prior so I thought - great! this will be easy!. Little did I know then that life doesn't always happen the way you plan it.
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