Sometimes wanting something just isnt enough...

I have a lot of time sometimes to sit and think.

Sometimes I have happy thoughts, sometimes not so much.

Sometimes I think about how lucky I am that I am more or less a healthy woman. I'm lucky that I have a wonderful husband and we support each other through thick and thin. I have a wonderful family and I love them all dearly. I have a career in my chosen field. I have a beautiful home with a roof over my head. These are all things that I wanted in life and was lucky enough to get.

Sometimes I have a pity party. I believe that I should be 30lbs (OK 40lbs) lighter. I'm disappointed with my career because I wish I had a job somewhere different because I don't like the people/company I work for. I get down because I wish that we had a home in the country close to where I grew up with a big yard.

Am I being selfish if all I can think about is the fact that I want to be a Mom? I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. Before I had the husband, before I had the house, before I had the career. Before I knew any of that, I knew I wanted to be Mom.

So why is it that I can want all of the other things and be lucky enough to get them, but the one thing I want more than anything, I don't have?

I've learned more than I ever thought I would need to know to have a baby. I've spent nearly three years trying to pro-create. I've bought OPK's, BBT thermometers, fertility friendly lubricants. I've scoured the Internet looking for tips on how to increase fertility. I've seen a fertility specialist who told me nothing is wrong, yet still I don't have what I want. What more can I do? I guess what I've learned more than anything is that sometimes wanting something just isn't enough.