As I began to suspect earlier in the week (I just had a feeling), cycle #33 failed.
Tuesday night I had some spotting but then yesterday it was all but gone. By last night it started to pick up again and I knew she was knocking on the door saying "I'm here!" I don't usually cramp when AF is about to show up for a visit but I had some cramping and bloat yesterday too.
I told DH as I got into bed and could not suppress a couple of tears that rolled down my cheek. This was the last chance at a 2010 baby and I let that sink in a bit further. I listened to day 1 of the Circle + Bloom program to help me relax and fall asleep and re-energize myself to start a new cycle, again.
While the last cycle was the last chance for a 2010 baby, a pregnancy this cycle (#34) will technically be my last chance to have a baby at 32. I would have an EDD of around January 12, 2011. My 33rd birthday is January 17. Silly, I know. Self-imposed deadlines are not 'healthy' mentally because they put extra pressure on me. I seriously thought I would be having a second child by now - not still trying to get even close to having a first.
So, what next. Well, as mentioned in earlier posts...
~ I'm committed to giving it 2 more 'natural' cycles before going back to my RE to try assisted methods.
~ I'm committed to opening my mind up by listening to my Circle + Bloom program.
~ I'm going to continue to read the book I'm reading on the mind-body fertility connection.
~ I am going to consult with a naturopath and begin acupuncture.
~ I'm going to make REAL changes to my diet. I've been eating well for the most part but have put on significant weight in the last 6 months which is the opposite of helpful when ttc.
And finally, because sometimes you just need something to remind you, I have a new piece of jewellery to inspire me. In a previous post I mentioned that I purchased a bracelet with the words "Hope", "Joy" and "Dream" carved into the silver. Since receiving it I've worn it every day to remind me of what my hopes and dreams are. I will someday give this bracelet to my child to show them how loved and thought of they were before they were even conceived.
